Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
