I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize