Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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