I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
