cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
