There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
