I should be sponsored by Trojan
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
