My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
