We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.