MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
