Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
