i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.