this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
