I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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