i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
