You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
