Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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