Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
