Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
