I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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