I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
