and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
