Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
