my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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