I wish my penis had an off switch
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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