ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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