I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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