I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
