I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
