worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
