apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself