Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.