i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack