Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
