if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
