the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
