On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
