Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
