T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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