I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
