I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
