I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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