dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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