non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
