That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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