if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I deserve this hangover.
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