So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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