I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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