New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
