My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
