Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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