I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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