I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
