she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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