You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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