she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
