make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
