turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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