11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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